"If you give them an inch, they'll take a mile."
If there’s one question I get often as an early childhood specialist, it’s “how do I get my kids to cooperate?”
I’ll focus here on my area of expertise -birth through three years- but I can say that the guidelines I’m about to give you to get your kids to listen to you will work throughout childhood, and you’ll actually find that they also work with your relationships with adults.
First let me start by saying being a kid, especially a toddler, is hard. In the first few years of life, babies and toddlers are forming more than 1 million neural connections per second. If that sounds exhausting, it absolutely is. If you’ve ever been lucky enough to experience a toddler tantrum, you can thank brain work for that. Babies and toddlers are using most of their energy in the first five years of life to form those neural connections and build their brains, so it’s important to remember that they’re not trying to be sensitive or difficult. Have you ever had a day where you came home after a long, demanding, stressful day at work, and just lost your patience with your partner/kids/pets? That’s how a toddler feels most of the time, and that stress usually comes out in the form of a tantrum. The world is constantly demanding more of her, whether she realizes it or actively participates or not. All of the information coming into her world must be sorted and stored, and that is a whole lot of work. Your toddler has more neural connections now than she ever will for the rest of her life- over 80%. I’m exhausted just thinking about that.
Now that we’ve got the brain science excuse out of the way (you’re welcome, toddlers), I’m going to list the four basic principles for getting your kids to listen, then go into them in detail.
Aside from proper nutrition, exercise, and adequate rest, which are the foundation for creating reasonable humans, those principles are:
1. Boundaries
2. Respect
3. Acknowledgement
4. Consistent follow through
Boundaries
This might be one of the hardest guidelines for some parents to follow, but also one of the most important. When we are raising tiny humans, we must have boundaries and limits that we remain consistent on. When we consistently enforce boundaries, children learn that they can trust in us and their environment. Our main priorities for having boundaries are to keep children safe, healthy, and happy. Some of these boundaries might look like:
- Having a young child sit during meals (for a developmentally appropriate amount of time)
- Requiring a child to hold your hand while crossing streets
- Offering a child a soft ball to throw instead of throwing wooden blocks
- Not allowing a child to splash erratically in the bathtub (believe me- if you give an inch here, your bathroom will soon become a bathtub itself)
I’ll give two examples I have personally witnessed of a parent having indecisive boundaries where they mattered:
- Mama is putting some laundry into the washer, but takes out all the dark colors and sets them aside to do a load of whites. Her toddler comes over and insists that all of the laundry must go into the washer at the same time. Mom accepts and puts all the laundry into the washer, sacrificing the whites.
While it’s important to support the autonomy of your child, it’s also important to keep boundaries where they need to be. This mom sacrificed all of her white laundry because her toddler thought it was supposed to be done a different way. What she could have done instead was acknowledge the toddler’s point of view, briefly explain the situation, and help him move on: “You would like all of the laundry done right now, I understand. We have to wash them separately otherwise the light ones will be ruined. I know that’s hard for you.” Sure, a small tantrum might ensue, but you’re teaching your child the critical skill of understanding that other people have different ways of doing things, and we can’t always have them our way. When children understand our boundaries they learn to expect and respect them, and naturally less tantrums occur.
- Mama is relaxing on the sofa with two pillows supporting her back while she nurses her newborn baby. Her toddler comes over and demands to use one of the pillows she is using, even though there are many other pillows lying around. Mama accepts and gives him one of her pillows, compromising her comfort and ability to effectively nurse the baby.
This is a moment where Mama should have established a boundary. We’ve all had moments as caregivers where we sacrifice our own comfort for our babes, but the toddler in this situation could have easily gotten another pillow and both toddler and Mama and baby would have been comfortable. What this Mama could have said was, “You would like to use the pillow I’m using (acknowledgement), I understand. Right now I am using this one (explain), but there is one there, or there, or there that you could use. Which one will you choose? You can bring it right over here and snuggle up next to your brother and I. Maybe you can nurse your baby, too.”
Respect
Respect is one of the foundational components of my philosophy in my practice as an early childhood specialist, and as a human on this planet. When we show children that they are worthy, trusted, capable, competent, and respected, they then feel those things about themselves in return. We see in life that those who have these traits go on to become great people who strive for great things. One of the biggest ways that we can show our respect for our children is to give them our undivided attention whenever possible, demonstrating that they are valuable to us and our time.
Example: Think about the last time you had a conversation with someone who was distracted; did you feel valued? Appreciated? Respected? This is exactly how your child feels when you use your phone while with them. You might say, “yeah, but I’m spending time with them still, right?” Well, no. Not really. You’re not really there, and they know it. One of the main reasons young children test boundaries is because they don't have your attention, which they so badly crave and deserve. If you have to take a phone call, check your email, or browse your facebook or instagram page, it’s best to do it completely out of sight of your child. When you are with your child, they need and deserve your undivided attention, love, and support. This is one of the most basic gifts we can provide for our children, and it has become so far lost in this world of technology.
Another way we can demonstrate respect is by encouraging autonomy, both physically and emotionally. We can encourage bodily autonomy by allowing our children to do things on their own whenever possible, and not intervening prematurely. We can also support bodily autonomy by letting our children know when we may need to pick them up or hold their hands, even as young infants: "I am going to pick you up and change your diaper now," "I see that you're still climbing on the book shelf when I asked you not to, so I am going to have to come help you now." Many times I've been at playgrounds and watched caregivers move their infants and young children around without talking to them about why or what their intentions are, which demonstrates to children that they are incapable. Let kids do hard and risky things, and they will learn to do them more confidently and with more control. Just be sure to be there to spot them in case they do slip.
We can support their emotional autonomy by understanding and acknowledging their feelings. It is 100% human to experience sadness, fear, and anger, and children who feel comfortable expressing these emotions will learn ways of self-regulating them and expressing them in more appropriate ways sooner than children who are taught that it's not okay to have those feelings.
One other way we respect our children is by the way we speak to and with them. I was recently standing in during a martial arts class for children ages 3-6, when a 5 or 6 year old boy began to pick his nose. The martial arts instructor said in front of a room full of parents and children, "Johnny, I gotta admit that that is really grossing me out right now." The mother of the child quickly chimed in, "I know, right? It is SO disgusting, SO disgusting." I saw the child shrink in his skin, full of shame, after doing something that was quite honestly still developmentally normal for his age.
There are so many other ways we can respect young children, but I've got a whole other blog post coming dedicated just to that.
Acknowledgment
We can’t always give our children what they want, but that doesn’t make it any easier for them to accept. Young children have very little self regulation, and have a hard time understanding that there is a world and other perspectives beyond themselves. This is why it is so important to acknowledge our children’s emotions, no matter how ridiculous they may seem. This might look like a toddler flailing all over the floor because you gave them the green cup instead of the purple one. You may have seen the “reasons why my kid is crying” memes, and I have to admit- I’ve laughed. But when we laugh at our children who are genuinely struggling with something, we are telling them they are ridiculous people, their feelings are invalid, and we aren’t there to support them when things are hard. When was the last time you appreciated when someone invalidated your feelings or called you ridiculous? Children are no different. They are human beings deserving of respect, all the same.
Consistent follow through
This one is critical, but also often one of the harder ones for parents to execute. I get it: sometimes we are tired. Sometimes, it’s just not worth the struggle. And sometimes, we honestly don’t care if they do that one thing they’re not supposed to do just this one time. But we’ve got to remain consistent with our word in order for children to learn and trust us. When we are waverish with our word, when we hesitate, when we flinch about a guideline we usually have, children smell it. Just like a wild animal smells fear. And oh you believe me, she will take that inch and she will run it into a marathon.
Example: Thomas, 2 years old, is learning how to sit and enjoy his meal because otherwise he will not eat- the world is much too fun to remember food. We are sitting together for one full minute before Thomas gets up from the table and I say, “I see you getting up so it looks like you are finished eating. I will put your food away.” This of course catches his attention, and he moves a little bit closer but sits on the ground next to the table and says, “I sit here, eat.” Thomas is learning how to negotiate, but he is also establishing the baseline for that inch I mentioned earlier. I decide to allow it and hand him his lunch box. Twenty seconds later, Thomas has scooted 5 more feet away with his lunch and says, “I sit here.” He has now turned that inch into five feet. 20 seconds later he is standing 10 feet away, watching me closely for my reaction.
The reason young children push boundaries like this (often called “testing,” which is exactly what it is) is because it is a critical part of their development. Consistency and predictability are important to children in feeling safe, stable, and secure. When we are waverish with our word, children are no longer able to feel safe and secure in their environments, which consequently leads to even more testing.
With consistent use of these four principles, you’ll find that children will eventually no longer test you because they know their environment is stable and predictable and will no longer have the need to test the grounds on which they walk. It may take some time for them to learn to trust this new approach, but it’s a process in which I can confidently guarantee will work with enough patience, practice, and consistency.
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